Let Me LOVE You A Little More!

Nanay's air-conditioned room. 

1:52 AM (24 June 2018) and my Nanay is still awake. Murmuring words that I cannot understand. Crying but I do not know where the pain is coming from. I held her hand, arranged her foot pillow and rubbed my palm on her head to pacify her. But those actions brought no difference. 

While looking at her, I can't help but cry. All the memories flashed back onto me. 

All the happy memories and the lessons I have learnt from her. How she helped people and her "pusong mamon" to "pusong bato" moment. I remembered the time my father carried me and Nanay was running in the middle of the night to go to my "suking" doctor. 

While staring at her hand, I asked her, "Nanay, ilang milyon binilang ng kamay na ito?". She just stared at me. But all I can do is cry. The next statement blurted from my mouth are words of gratefulness. "Nanay, salamat po sa lahat ng pagod mo sa akin. Salamat sa lahat ng pasenya at pagmamahal. Salamat sa lahat pag-aalaga. Nay, kulang pa ang ginagawa ko ngayon para mapantayan lahat ng pagod mo para sa amin na pamilya mo."

Last few nights, every move she makes, made me jumped out of my bed just to check her. I always have a “heart attack”. But I do not mind. I told myself, this is my time to watch you sleep. Watch you snore and keep on check if your diaper is full or not. This is my only time to return the favor, but sometimes I felt that it is not enough. 

Alzheimer's is a painful disease not only for the patient but also to the children specially for the spouse. Be careful with your brain. They need proper rest and nutrition. 

Just now, I turned off the light and waiting and hoping that this action will make her feel sleepy or better. 

... Around 3AM she fell asleep.

My Mom, Our Family and The Alzheimer's

No! I will not inflict stress on me. But when I saw my mother's current state...I cried inside and burst out when nobody is around. 

Nanay is experiencing Alzheimer's disease. Her brain's age is 85 but her body is strong as 60. Her real age is only 68. 

Last year, we decided to go to Manila Doctors Hospital to see a geriatric doctor. We just want to solve her sleeping issues. Yep! Her kind of Alzheimer's is the one that can't sleep. She can be awake for 3 days straight and it cause headaches and gastric pain on her. After all the laboratory tests and CT scan, her doctor prescribed sleeping pills, vitamins and medicines. It all goes well, until my Ate (Older Sister) terrifyingly described our Nanay as "Nauupos na kandila" last September. 

That time changed everything. 

Being with a person who is suffering with this kind of disease is stressful. My Father and the rest of our family is exhausted in dealing with my mom. Then it came a time that exhaustion turned to be ferocious. I am guilty to that, I will not deny it and I regret that. Then my family back home saw my mom on the verge of death, reality stroked each one of us and we started to see a new point of view. We saw my mom's state on her own perspective. 

As suggested by the doctor, we tried a new medicine called Cerebrolysin. As observed by my Ate, she told me that Nanay responded well in that medicine but then after few days my mom cannot walk, stand or sit. Medicine reacts violently in my mom's body. Wrecking not only her but also us. 

Sometimes she speaks softer than whisper, that even putting my ear near her mouth is futile. She cries every other hour and while on her tears she is praying. She always giving thanks to Apo. (God in Kapampangan Dialect). When she is crying, my dad will go out of our house, do not want to see my mom's reality. There are times that she forces herself to remember our names and every time she tries...she fails. There are days that she only do is cry, day that she is a snob and to my surprise, one day she enumerated names of people that borrowed money to her. 

The doctor explains the causes of this disease; primarily it's in our genes and secondarily my mom's brain is very tired. My mom work way too hard for our family to enjoy what life we have now. Nanay is one of the helping hand not only in our clan but also in our community. While on her check-up the doctor look into her and brags "Ang sipag mo Nanay nung kabataan mo". 

No. I won't chase miracle through drugs. After all, my mom is the third woman I saw that the medical case was worsened by taking such kind of western medicine. All I want now is to give comfort not only for my mom but also for my dad. And pray to GOD to remember all my mom's kindness and good actions not only for our family but also to her friends. I am trusting my mother's life into HIS hands.