It’s NOT okay that I am NOT okay! -- Succumbed in a Great Sadness (Part 1)

I am sad. Bakit? Hindi ko alam! 

I do not have time to talk to others. Why? Because there’s a voice inside na walang tigil akong sinasabihan na dapat akong maging malungkot, na wala akong karapatan maging masaya. 

It is a battle inside. And hanggang ngayon naalala ko ang pain. No! Actually it is not only pain. It is a sorrowful feeling of very deep loneliness na hindi ko alam saan nanggagaling. If you have felt heartbreak, that week of misery is worse than that. It felt like my ownself is tearing me apart. Pinupunit ang puso ko. 

I tried to reach out for help from my sister and sister-in-law and they gave me words of wisdom that made me realize better things pero the enemy inside of me is stronger. (D@mn! I am now in a bus writing this and I am crying silently). 

Kailan nangyari ito? That was 2017. The feelings still seems fresh everytime I am looking back. 

One week I never talked to my husband. I wake up, go to office, go home, eat dinner and sleep. I am cold as damn Antartica. I pity him. Kasi alam ko wala naman sya kasalanan pero nadadamay sya sa nangyayari sa akin. I know I make Abbey sad too pero that time wala akong pakialam sa nararamdaman nya. But he continues to cook for me, arrange my baon and waiting for me to come back.

I am grumpy too sa office kasi ayaw ko nga na may kakausap sa akin. Nakakatitig lang ako lagi sa monitor that time. My friends do not know about it. Ayaw ko nga kasi ng kausap. Talagang si Ate Sol and Ate Precy lang ang sinabihan ko nun. Isang tawag lang. Pero that call seems my enemy became more agitated and pushed me harder to the point na yung mga positive words and insights galing sa mga ate is now turning against me.

I do not have time to pray. The voice insisted I am not worthy to pray. Not worthy of anything good in this Earth and in Heaven.

All I know, one afternoon I decided to stop believing sa mga naririnig ko. That I need to go out of the cocoon of misery. That same day, I send SMS to Abbey for the first time after a week to pick me up from the office.

The best thing my husband did that time was to support me. He kept his silence, never asked questions. Nag-sorry and I thank him for all the understanding. 

Is that depression? I do not know. Basta isang araw nagising lang ako and I was succumbed in a great sadness..in darkness.. It is not okay that I am not okay. Kasi hindi lang sarili ko nasasaktan pati mga taong nakapaligid sa akin.